Posts tagged: poop

Poop test results

I stopped by the doctor’s office on the way in to work today to check on those test results from my poop.  The results were overdue.  I chatted with the doc for a minute and he told me that all the tests were negative.  Huh.

Then he called me on my mobile just a bit ago and said he got additional test results since I was in there.  Odd that they break it into parts but whatever.  He told me that I have something called the Norwalk Virus.  And that there was no cure.  A bit of panic set in.

Luckily it’s not as bad as it sounds and the doc just needs to learn how to phrase things better in English.  There is no cure because it’s a virus and it just runs its course and dies off.  I did some research and found that it’s the second most common virus after the common cold in the United States and is better known as the stomach flu.  Well, that’s not nearly so bad sounding, is it?

Ah well, at least I know I’m not dying of some fancy tropical disease.  Hey look, a bright side!

Playing with my poop

My Mom called to check up on me last night and see how I was feeling.  She does that.  And to reward that action, I regaled her with the story of my upcoming play date with the toilet.  Then she told me that was wrong and that the poop specimen was NOT to be fished out of the toilet bowl.  She also said the doctors probably assumed that their patients had more common sense than to fish the poop out of the toilet water.  She does that too.  She said that if I did that, the sample would be completely contaminated with all sorts of things that may or not be mine.  She’s a Mom so of course she’s right.

I was enlightened to the fact that when you have to give a poop sample (or stool sample as my Mom says although it seems lacking in descriptive power) you normally are given a whole kit that includes a cover to place over the toilet that you poop on and even handy wipes for cleaning up after wards along with other fun poop play paraphenalia.  I guess this means that my Mom has had to play with her poop in her adult life too.  I told her I got a small clear tube with a blue plastic cap and a tiny little shovel head attached to the lid by a bubble-blower wand.  I’m fairly certain her opinion of Hong Kong medicine has gone down a notch.

She told me I could just use aluminum foil since that’s what we use for the dogs.  I told her, well yes I could.  I could just spread a sheet of foil out on the living room floor and drop my pants and aim for the shiny square.  Muse was listening to my half of the conversation by then and was rather amused.  Other suggestions were to hold a bowl in the toilet or to hold something to catch the poop.  All this talk could have proved traumatizing for someone who was not comfortable with the whole pooping process.  Not me though.  I know that Everybody Poops and I didn’t need a book to confirm it for me.

I filled Muse in on the misconceptions I seemed to have had about this whole process and the things my Mom had said.  I tried my hardest to act hurt by my wife’s laughter at my situation but it really was a lost cause.  However once she recovered from laughing at me she picked herself up off the floor (like I was going to help her up after that…) and she grabbed a big plastic bowl that she said she didn’t like anyway.  I looked at her with what I hope was my incredulous look and then stuck the bowl over my butt to see if it would fit.  Mostly it did and then that sent Muse laughing again and she made me leave the kitchen before I tried the bowl out for the main event.

I armed myself in the best way I thought I could in this unfamiliar situation.  I got a big plastic bag to put the soon-to-be-soiled big plastic bowl in after ‘the collection’ as well as a dog poop bag in case I needed to pick up and stray bits.  I found that the big plastic bowl fit into the toilet lid just right with enough lip to keep it from slipping in.  I was fairly certain that I couldn’t just sit on it like normal though and besides, my dangly bits would have been touching the bowl and that’s just not right.  So I decided to try hovering.

Now mind you I’m about the farthest thing from a woman that you can get in most regards, so I am not what you would call a veteran of the art of toilet hovering.  Men just never really have to use that particular skill.  Sure we know the gist of the idea and assume that we could pull it off if we ever had to but I think most of us are pretty unused to the action.  I found it impossible to hover and read a magazine at the same time so I had to adjust a few times and do without the reading.  I can assure you that hovering and pooping is certainly much more difficult than just plain pooping.  There’s a certain leverage which is lost as well as a portion of zen and dignity.

When I finally got the first nugget out, I hopped up to have a look.  The first mistake was in my long standing belief that my shit doesn’t stink.  Oh contraire mon frere.  It does.  So that was a bit of a shock. Then I was a little worried because I had told the doc that my poop had been diarrhea and that it hadn’t been black.  This nugget o’ stinky poop made me a liar on many levels in that it was extremely solid and quite black, with green bits of ooze and some bits of white.  (I imagine those bits of white are what they will be looking for at the lab)  So not wanting to seem like a liar, and not wanting to try and hack apart this rock hard nugget with the tiny shovel on a wand, I put the bowl back down and had another go at the hovering.

I missed it before but this time I’m fairly certain I saw ‘Hovering (3)’ pass in front of my eyes while I was straining and concentrating on squeezing off a smaller and less black bit for the doc.  Once it had passed I knew I had been successful on the smaller portion but I jumped up to take a look at the color.  Dammit… same.  Now by this time I was quite done with the whole ordeal and I noticed that this particular chunk would actually fit inside the tube without any slicing or dicing.  It’s not what the doc asked for, but you know I don’t really care.  It’s a poop sample so just do what you need to with it OK?  So I used the tiny shovel wand to scoop up the small bit and guide it ever so carefully into the tube.

Then I put the lid on.  Then I tried to put the lid on.  The damn chunk of poop was blocking the shovel wand bit attached to the lid and wouldn’t let me close it!  So there was a reason for their weird demands.  Not to be outdone though, I slid the shovel bit in at an angle and got the threads of the lid and tube to match up.  But then you know what happens when you turn the cap to tighten it right?  Yeah, that flat shovel head spins too.  That slimy chunk o’ poop got smeared all around inside that clear tube as I tightened the cap.  Oh… that was pleasant.

So then I tossed the unused chunk in the toilet and flushed the evidence, dumped the soiled bowl into the bag to be thrown out and washed up.  I got a zip-lock baggy to put the sample vial into and then stuck that baggy in the fridge with all our food… because the sample can’t be turned int till morning.  You just have to love modern medicine.

So there you have it.  I played with my poop last night and now you know all about it.  If you actually read this whole post, I have serious concerns for your mental well-being and/or your coping skills.  Either way, you’re welcome.

A couple walks into a doctor’s office…

Muse accompanied me to the doctor’s office this afternoon to see if they would agree about the creatures that may be living in my bowels.  This has been a kind of on-going thing since coming back from Kuala Lumpur so we told the doc-of-the-day (you get a new doc each time you go) that this was a follow-up to my last visit at the end of February.  The doc pulled up my records and said “You mean in December?” because that was the last record he had in the computer for me.  Huh?

We visited with the doc for about 15 minutes in his office.  Ten of those minutes was spent by him trying 86 different ways of pulling up my last visit that seems to have disappeared from their system.  We even had to make sure he understood that, no my name is not Hendryk Wagner and I’m not 42 years old so that can’t be me under a different name.  Grrr….

So basically it boils down to the fact that he can’t tell us anything until he gets to play with my poop.  Well, he’s the doctor, so he probably has someone else play with the poop and then just kind of give him the general summary of the poop and the playtime.  Doctor’s are just like that.

So he pulls out this tiny clear vial with a blue stopper that has the cutest little shovel tip attached on a wand dangling from said blue stopper.  He said the poop went in there.  I wanted to tell him that I was American and that I’m a big guy and everything about me is big: including my poop.  There was no way that my poop was going to be worked over by a tiny spade smaller than most bubble-blower-wands and it certainly wasn’t going to fit in that little clear tube.  That’s what I wanted to say, but the Chinese don’t tend to have the same sense of humor as me and I thought it would probably just confuse the issue and send him into searching his database for my lost records one more time.  Which he did anyway.

However, he must have seen the expression of surpressed humor on my face and told me that he only needed enough poop to cover the little blue scoop.  So now, not only do I have to go bobbing for poop in our toilet, but I have to dissect it into a small enough piece to fit this vial.  Those of you who know me in real life know that being in a bathroom for longer than necessary after I drop the kids off at the pool know that this is generally regarded as a biohazard situation.  Add to this that I’ll probably end up puking as I play play-doh fun factory in the toilet and this does not sound like a good path to recovery.

Sickness and sadness

Did I mention that I also seem to have gotten a cold during the flight from LA to Hong Kong?  At least that’s when the symptoms started.  And it continues even now.  My head and nose are stuffed up and I have the occasional sneezing or coughing fit.  It’s fun.

Even worse is that Guinness is sick too.  Yesterday he cried for me to let him out and once we got outside he wanted to run.  They need the exercise so I ran with them on their leashes.  Then when we got to his favorite hillside I noticed he was absolutely frantic to find a place to poop.  And once he started pooping he didn’t stop till he was cleaned out of what looked like butterscotch pudding coming from his butt.

He woke up before my alarm today frantic to go outside again and the same thing happened.  We came back in and I started preparing their breakfast and I stepped in something wet on the throw rug.  Sure enough, there were two large brown puddles on the carpet as he must have made sure that he only went on that and not the floor.  Breakfast was postponed while I used the spare shower to wash off my sock, pants leg and the rug.  Oh it smells lovely in the kitchen.

He’s been scared all morning because he was afraid I’d be mad at him.  I talked to him and let him know it’s not his fault and that it was OK.  I think he’s calmed down about it now.  He only ate half his breakfast and I’m going to feed him some Pepto once I finish my cereal.  I think I need to get him some rice on my way back from work today.

I feel so bad for him.  I know he’s upset and he feels really bad.  He would have never done anything in the house if he couldn’t help it.  I’m really sad because of all this too.  Sad for him and, somewhat selfishly, sad for myself as well.  It’s been a bad couple of days and I really miss Muse being here to help me with everything.  I know I can handle this all on my own with some degree of success but I don’t want to.

I wish she was here.

I like it, butt…

I really like some of the local restaraunts here, but they give me some serious gas. I’ve only been back from lunch at a local place where we had a bunch of dumplings and dan dan min for a few minutes now and already I’m farting up a storm. Luckily, I usually can’t smell my own.

Oh yeah, I have to pee too. If there are any other bodily functions you’d like an update on, just let me know. I’ll probably poop in about an hour or so. No need to ask, there you have it.

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