Posts Tagged ‘life’

Then just like that…

Wednesday, April 15th, 2009

Strange things happen.  My family has always been blessed/cursed with that sort of history.  I’ve lived with that all my life.  Today was just another one of those days.

Many people claim that writing is therapeutic and I am definitely one of those people.  I have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis but I can pour my heart out with writing.  However, I never thought that my writing about depression and the loss of my USB drive would have the effect that it did.

I was in a two hour meeting this morning where my boss and I were trying to figure out the extrordinarily poorly documented process of getting SSL setup with Windows 2008, IIS7 and Exchange 2007.  I did a lot of pacing and leaning on the desk as we worked through things as there isn’t room for two people to sit at his desk.  Inevitably at one point I started fidgeting and put my hand in my pants pocket and started fiddling with my key ring.  I do that sometimes.  Just a nervous habit I suppose.

It was then, while I was in mid-sentence, that I realize that I had something small and plastic in my hand and I was spinning it around on a pivot over and over.  Another nervous habit but one that was lost when my USB drive disappeared.  I kept turning it a few more times in my pocket while my brain started putting two and two together in a fairly efficient manner that was thoroughly clouded in a haze of WTF.

Then just like that I pulled my hand from my pocket and looked and sure enough – there was my little black and blue USB drive completely intact.  Of course my boss had turned to look at me since I had stopped talking mid-sentence and I had to explain.

Of course the funny thing is that there is no way that the drive should have been in my pants pocket.  It’s been over a month… maybe a month and a half since I actually lost the drive.  I’ve worn these pants since then and the pocket it was in is the right front that I use most often.  And these are not the pants that I wore the day I lost the drive or on the day before which was the last time I had used the drive.  I had searched both those pairs of pants.  And of course I had put my keys and pocketknife in that same pocket this morning like I do every morning and didn’t notice it then or even when I was putting the pants on.

But strange things happen.  We were also missing a portable hard drive that we had backed up data to for the trip from Hong Kong.  It showed up two days ago in a bag that we had both searched previously.  Muse had lost her Nikon flash for her camera after just having it in Chicago.  It showed up buried in a box of stuff in the office that had yet to be unpacked.  Yeah.  Strange things.  It’s what we live with every day.

Of course this USB drive doesn’t show up until I write about losing it.  It’s not until I tell the world that it went missing and how it made me felt and how its loss was a focus for so many things.  It wasn’t until I opened up after a long break that it came back in the most impossible of places.  So you see, writing is therapeutic for me.  Just maybe not in the way I would have expected this time.

USB Powered Depression

Tuesday, April 14th, 2009

As I sit at my desk eating my chicken sammich (sammich = sandwich for those of you who don’t know me in person), I reflect on the fact that I should probably be doing something.  Like posting on my websites.  So here I am.  Typing.  Type… type.. type.

For those of you who noticed that there was an update over at A Little Scary (don’t get excited, it wasn’t a comic), you will already know why I’m all whiny and depressed.  I’ll give you the short version: I keep all my data on a USB drive and it decided to get lost a little over a month or so ago.  Yes I had backups but with everything going on in my life the backup schedule went forgotten.  So everything I made, wrote, created from Halloween to present day  is gone including stuff for ALS.

If anyone happened to find a small blue and black swivel case 4GB drive laying around, I would be very grateful if you let me know.  I don’t even need it back.  I would be happier just knowing that all the personal data and intellectual property on that little drive were destroyed at this point instead of in the hands of the evil and nefarious.  Not to say that if someone wanted to return the drive to me intact I wouldn’t bounce off the walls with joy, but that’s not too likely now is it?

So yeah, big deal right?  Just get the backup and start recreating and just move on.  Yeah.  I know.  I will.  But it just came at a really bad time and other things had gone missing as well and there were other difficulties in my life and I think I just focused it all onto the loss of that little chunk of plastic, silicone and metal.  That USB drive became the catalyst for everything else that was going on at the time.  So instead of just taking what I did have and moving forward, I retreated.  I stopped making comics, I stopped posting on my sites…  all very trivial in the grand scheme of things of course.  I see that. If it hadn’t been the drive then it probably would have been something else.

But I think I’m over it now.  The chicken sammich is gone and I’m chasing it down with some Berries ‘N Cream yogurt.  It’s not bad.

I guess my point is this: Everyone needs to break down every once in a while and evaluate what is really bothering them.  Especially people like who tend to internalize everything and bottle up their emotions and never let anyone see what’s actually going on.  After a while, I seem to keep myself from seeing what’s actually going on as well.  I’m sure I’m not the only one who does that.  But the key is that once you figure out what the problem is then you have to either fix it or accept it and move on or that shit will eat you from the inside out.  Seriously.  And you may not even realize that its happening.

I got some work to do.

Neglect

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Is there anyone still visiting?  I wouldn’t be if I were you.  I’ve neglected everything that I didn’t absolutely have to do for a while now.  I guess a new baby will do that to you.

Obviously, I haven’t been updating here.  I haven’t been updating anywhere.  I post a little tidbit on Plurk or Twitter or Facebook now and then but really it’s no more than fluff.  Worse yet, I haven’t been updating A Little Scary at all.  It’s been over a month without a new comic.  It makes me sad.  Especially when I was doing so good for so long with staying on schedule.  My car just went 7,500 before it finally got its first oil change.

I haven’t read any of my friends blogs in months.  I’m out of touch in many ways.  I need to call people although to be fair most of my friends haven’t called me either.  I haven’t kept up on the web comics I used to read on a regular basis.  I haven’t finished any of the little projects at home.  There’s been no video game playing or drawing.

So what have I been doing?  Well, I get up a little after 6am each day and shower and get ready for work.  I eat a bowl of cereal while I feed the dogs and then I leave around 7:30am.  I’m in my office around 8:15 to 8:30am depending on traffic.  I work all day trying to figure out how to upgrade our entire e-mail system globally.  I leave between 5:25 to 5:55pm and head home.  I usually get home around 6:20pm where I hear what happened during the day.  Then I go unload my pockets and remove my overshirt and shoes.  Wash my hands – maybe poop first – and then go grab the baby for my shift with her.  I get her last feeding of the day and attempt to put her to sleep.  She’s usually in her crib around 11pm.  Then I may check my e-mail or some downloads that I’ll never realistically get to work with and then I go to bed.

Now for the past few days that schedule at night has been in a bit of flux.  Muse is trying some new things with her feedings and sleep times to try and get her to bed earlier.  But for the most part it’s been what I wrote.  Sure every once in a while we may bundle the baby up and go out to eat but that’s pretty infrequent.

I need a vacation.  I know my wife does too.  We both desperately need one.  This isn’t what I thought parenthood would be like.  Many of the problems I wrote about previously have started to subside so it is much more tolerable.  We are getting more sleep now.  But I’m still drained.  I’m still tired all the time.  We are both showing signs of depression.

I want to be creative and draw or work on my comics.  I want to play games for hours on end.  I want to see friends and go out and do things.  But I can’t.  Not really.  I could make an exception now or then but everything has a consequence.

I’m not sure what I expected parenthood to be like but it wasn’t like this.  I’m not regretting the decisions so don’t get me wrong.  And I am grateful for getting the chance to be the Daddy of a very special little girl.  But I miss being me.  Doing the things I want to do on my own schedule.  I knew our lives would change but I guess I was still being naive (screw you oomlats).

The sacrifice is worth it I suppose.  Nothing makes me happier than to see that baby girl smile at me.  That is its own reward.  I just need to figure out how to modify my life to include myself in it every now and then.

Not an update

Thursday, August 28th, 2008

I have so much stuff to post and not as much time to write it all out.  I need to tell the world about the horrible days and weeks leading up to my departure from Hong Kong.  I need to rant about my trip home that took twice as long as it should have.  I want to share pictures and details of the new car.  I want to share our difficulties with our current situations.

But I just don’t have the time at the moment.

I’ve got a bunch of stuff going on at work.  I have even less time at home and no peace and quiet usually.  I may consider setting up a space in the basement where it may be quieter to get some alone time and do some writing and drawing but who knows.  We still don’t have our main computers shipped yet so there’s not much I can setup yet.

Well, hopefully things will start to get back to normal at some point.  Probably just in time to have the baby arrive.  Which at that point normal will never be seen again.  Oh well.