Posts Tagged ‘homesick’

Homesick

Tuesday, November 27th, 2007

I got homesick on the ferry to work this morning.  Not seasick like one would expect but homesick.  I miss my family and friends but I rarely have the time or inclination to get actually homesick.  But not this morning.  I think it all started with a chimichanga….

Last night we went to a Mexican restaurant called Caramba because they have a 2 for 1 deal on dinners on Mondays.  It’s their “Super Monday” deal.  We always get the same thing.  Muse gets enchiladas and I get a chimichanga.  At some point  during the meal a song came on themusic system.  It was a Latin/Mexican variant of Coldplay’s song ‘Clocks’ and it gets to my favorite part of:  “Home, home, where I wanted to go,” repeated over an over.  I was softly singing that chorus to myself on the bus back to our flat later that night.  I found myself thinking about that song again this morning on the ferry.

And I felt like crying.

Things have been extremely stressful at work.  Things have been kind of crazy at home.  Planning for our trip home and having to change those plans because of work has strained both of us.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I miss Wal-Mart.  I miss driving.  There’s a lot of things I miss.  I’m waiting for answers on re-negotiating my contract and I’ve told Muse that if they don’t come through for me this time then we are probably going to move back.  And as nice as that may sound sometimes, that of course has it’s own set of disappointments and sorrows.  So it’s a no-win situation really.

I don’t actually feel the need to go running home yet.  I’d like to spend a few more years here making a name for myself and seeing if I can make any sort of decent career with my company.  My getting homesick and emotional doesn’t change that.  It’s just the actual emotion that is hard for me to deal with and write about.  I had to fight back the tears in my eyes again as I typed this up.  That’s not like me; or at least I like to think it’s not.  I see myself as the emotionally strong one that everyone else comes to for support.  It’s hard for me to reverse that and play the opposite role.  So I choke down the homesickness along with everything else and I deal with it in my own way.  Maybe by sharing this feeling in this way, however impersonal it may be, will help me deal with the feelings I have right now.  Though that’s optimistic, I know that only hugging my parents and my friends will do that for me.  If all goes as planned I will be in St. Louis on the night of December 22nd.  And then I can test that theory.  Until then, I have some tears to fight back.