Posts Tagged ‘family’

Back again

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

Just got back to St. Louis late last night after spending six days in New York City busting my ass working with two of my colleagues.  We clocked in over 80 hours to integrate in a newly aquired office.  I am beat.  The only reason I even came in to work today is because there was a meeting that I wanted (not required) to attend.

The only time I got to see anything in the city was when we left the office a little after 10 or 10:30pm on Saturday and walked to Times Square and ate at Planet Hollywood.  I used to think NYC looked crowded but after spending a few years in Hong Kong the busy streets of Times Square seemed barely crowded at all.  Not everyone shared my opinion, hehe.

I’m heading home in a few minutes.  I miss my family and I need a serious baby fix.

The world we live in and life in general

Tuesday, June 2nd, 2009

So much happens on a day to day basis to me and everyone else that there is no possible way to for everyone to keep everyone posted on the goings-ons and what-nots of their lives at all times.  It’s just not possible.  So we share small samplings of our lives on bliggity blogs and our face-spaces and we move on.  Years ago we didn’t even do that much.

Kira and Michelle have both been sick for a little over a week now.  So far, I have been very lucky to not yet get sick.  The wife went through antibiotics and had no result so more than likely she has viral bronchitis just like our poor baby girl.  Kira has to breath in medicine in vapor form from a mask hooked to a loud machine.  She was basically tolerant of the experience at first but I think her patience is getting thin for that routine.  Not sure how much longer she needs that treatment but hopefully not too long.  She seems to be a bit better.

Kira continues to amaze me with her progress and ability.  Michelle continues to amaze me in taking care of Kira every day and the house and everything else.  I know she thinks I don’t appreciate her and the hard work she does every day but I do.  I really do.  I am very proud of both of them.  I really don’t think that Kira would be so well adjusted and amazingly advanced if it weren’t for Michelle being with her every day and working with her and taking care of her.

We have been getting the run-around with Graebel… again.  You may remember we had issues with them back in October of last year.  Well, to one extent or another we have had continual issues since then as well.  Now for the past few months we have been dealing with trying to get our insured items covered and repaired.  Some things have worked out and many things haven’t but nothing has gone smoothly.  You can read up on the current problems over at the wife’s site.  I have given up dealing with them and turned them over to her to deal with.  I’m betting they are now wishing that they would have just worked things out with me.  If we ever decide to move to a new city again with my current employer I will do everything I can to NOT use Graebel for that or any other move.

I’ve been busy working on a few different projects at work.  I’m working on getting some new security software rolled out to all of our computers (actually our Altiris guy is doing all the work) and I’m in the final stages of getting ready for a big office integration in New York City.  I do not look forward to being away from the wife and our little girl while working on that project and I’m sure Michelle isn’t looking forward to it either.  But I don’t have to travel too often and I’m still employed so I do what I have to do.

We were planning on migrating from Microsoft Exchange 2003 to the new Exchange 2007 and I’ve been working on the testing and planning of that for a few months.  However, now that Microsoft is releasing the next version (2010) earlier than expected, and faster than any other major revision cycle in history for that product, we are now on hold.  The idea is that we will now skip Exchange 2007 and go directly to 2010.  OK cool.  We can do that.

I have been working on some new comics for A Little Scary in my “spare” time but I missed my re-launch date of June 1st already.  I’m hoping to get a couple done soon.  Here’s hoping.  I don’t want to start up again without at least a small buffer or I’ll just end up getting discouraged again when a deadline comes and goes with no update.

Bonus points if you can tell me where I got the title of this post.

Neglect

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

Is there anyone still visiting?  I wouldn’t be if I were you.  I’ve neglected everything that I didn’t absolutely have to do for a while now.  I guess a new baby will do that to you.

Obviously, I haven’t been updating here.  I haven’t been updating anywhere.  I post a little tidbit on Plurk or Twitter or Facebook now and then but really it’s no more than fluff.  Worse yet, I haven’t been updating A Little Scary at all.  It’s been over a month without a new comic.  It makes me sad.  Especially when I was doing so good for so long with staying on schedule.  My car just went 7,500 before it finally got its first oil change.

I haven’t read any of my friends blogs in months.  I’m out of touch in many ways.  I need to call people although to be fair most of my friends haven’t called me either.  I haven’t kept up on the web comics I used to read on a regular basis.  I haven’t finished any of the little projects at home.  There’s been no video game playing or drawing.

So what have I been doing?  Well, I get up a little after 6am each day and shower and get ready for work.  I eat a bowl of cereal while I feed the dogs and then I leave around 7:30am.  I’m in my office around 8:15 to 8:30am depending on traffic.  I work all day trying to figure out how to upgrade our entire e-mail system globally.  I leave between 5:25 to 5:55pm and head home.  I usually get home around 6:20pm where I hear what happened during the day.  Then I go unload my pockets and remove my overshirt and shoes.  Wash my hands – maybe poop first – and then go grab the baby for my shift with her.  I get her last feeding of the day and attempt to put her to sleep.  She’s usually in her crib around 11pm.  Then I may check my e-mail or some downloads that I’ll never realistically get to work with and then I go to bed.

Now for the past few days that schedule at night has been in a bit of flux.  Muse is trying some new things with her feedings and sleep times to try and get her to bed earlier.  But for the most part it’s been what I wrote.  Sure every once in a while we may bundle the baby up and go out to eat but that’s pretty infrequent.

I need a vacation.  I know my wife does too.  We both desperately need one.  This isn’t what I thought parenthood would be like.  Many of the problems I wrote about previously have started to subside so it is much more tolerable.  We are getting more sleep now.  But I’m still drained.  I’m still tired all the time.  We are both showing signs of depression.

I want to be creative and draw or work on my comics.  I want to play games for hours on end.  I want to see friends and go out and do things.  But I can’t.  Not really.  I could make an exception now or then but everything has a consequence.

I’m not sure what I expected parenthood to be like but it wasn’t like this.  I’m not regretting the decisions so don’t get me wrong.  And I am grateful for getting the chance to be the Daddy of a very special little girl.  But I miss being me.  Doing the things I want to do on my own schedule.  I knew our lives would change but I guess I was still being naive (screw you oomlats).

The sacrifice is worth it I suppose.  Nothing makes me happier than to see that baby girl smile at me.  That is its own reward.  I just need to figure out how to modify my life to include myself in it every now and then.

It should be known

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

Some of you saw my last post when I originally posted it.  Before I went back in on my iPhone in the middle of a meeting and marked it as Private instead.  Some of you knew then what was going on in our lives or at least my life.  Then I chickened out.  I decided that the post was too personal and that the words proved that I was a bad parent.  The words and emotions I couldn’t express to my wife in words but can in writing were too much to be held responsible for.

Now the post is back up for everyone to read.

After talking to quite a few people it seems that the feelings I’ve had are quite common.  Pretty much everyone in a similar age range to me (and many not) have experienced the same or worse.  Others have gone through this (obviously) and lived to tell the tale.  Except they don’t tell the tale.  They never tell people how they really feel about parenting a newborn with problems.  They don’t tell a soul because they, like me, felt it would prove they were a bad parent.

But in talking to others it gives them a sort of freedom to tell us that yes, parenting for the first few months (or more depending on the persons) sucks ass.  It’s a miserable, thankless job that people without ever having raised a baby will ever understand.  And it’s apparently something that people feel the need to hide from the next wave or generation of potential parents.  Whether to hide what they feel are weaknesses or from fear of people who don’t understand.

I say to hell with that.  It should be known what it is like to care for a baby.  The reality.

That is why I reposted my previous post.  I’m not going back and editing it.  I’m not even going to re-read it.  What I wrote was a release for me and to change it would be counter-productive.  There is therapy in writing.  There is a catharsis in venting the emotions that I can never seem to properly verbalize.  I felt better after writing that post and marking it private took away from that therapy in some small way.

When Muse and I went through the birthing classes, the nurses who taught the class stressed over and over that you should never shake your child.  They said over and over again that if you get angry that you should put the baby down in a safe place and walk away and call for help.  They preached over and again about the damage that can be done to an infant when shaken violently.  And the wife and I would look at each other and roll our eyes.  We wondered what kind of horrible people could even think of doing something so monstrous?  What kind of pathetic lowlifes would do that to a baby?

Now we understand.  We have not shaken the baby (don’t go calling DFS) but we now have a better understanding of WHY some people are driven to do something like that.  The rage I have felt at something so small and defenseless is a heartbreaking thing that makes me feel like the biggest sack of shit in the universe.  But at least now I know we’re not alone.

I’ve been dealing with the baby much better since those days.  She’s going on seven weeks now and neither of us has done anything more physical than burp her more vigorously than we probably should.  We are still learning to cope but I have to be honest: It’s hard.  It’s really fucking hard.

One thing we’ve both learned is that the less sleep we get, the less stress we can take.  We’ve both experienced it on multiple occasions.  And the crappy thing about it is that sleep is the hardest thing to achieve with a baby in the house.  Sure with two parents it’s possible to take shifts but when I have to go to work and make money to pay for all the bills and formula and diapers that leaves my wife alone to deal with the baby for yet another shift.  I try and take over for her at night but if I don’t get sleep then I’m absolutely useless at work after a while.  If I lose my job then we can’t afford to live much less have a baby.

So how do single parents do it?  I can’t even begin to imagine that.

My point here is not to whine and complain and fish for sympathy comments.  I turned off comments on the previous post because I didn’t want input or sympathy.  That wasn’t the point.  It was therapy.  My point is to let other new parents or people expecting to be new parents soon know that parenting is harder than you think.  It’s much harder than your friends and family have let on.  They think they are doing you or maybe themselves a favor by not telling you the gory details but they aren’t.

I would have been much better off hearing the horror stories from people before I had to experience them first-hand.  I would have known going into those angry moments that I wasn’t alone and that it was perfectly normal.  I would have much rather known ahead of time what to expect.  So that is why I’m writing this post.  Not just for therapy for myself but as a caution to new parents.

Parenting is hard.  Taking care of a baby is unbelievably hard.  You will lose sleep.  You will miss meals.  You will become a recluse in your own home and despise the walls around you.  You will fight with your spouse over the stupidest shit.  And most importantly, you will get angry at your baby – and you will feel like the world’s biggest loser for doing so.  You will get through it.  But never – ever – expect it to be easy.

It should be known that you are not the only one who has felt that way.
That’s the point of my writing.

You may have already heard

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008

Muse broke the news yesterday.  It’s official: I’m going to be a Daddy.  tee hee

We’ve known for a little over a month but we wanted to make sure everything was OK (or as OK as it can be) before we started telling everyone.   So now the whole world knows (well at least the tiny piece of the world that visits our web pages).

The top shows the whole baby and the bottom pic is a close up of the head and you can just see a hand and some fingersjust in front of the face.  Seems like a kind of awkward angle.

Kinda creepy looking isn’t it?

It’s estimated that it’s roughly 12 weeks in those pictures so that would put it at about 13 weeks right now.

Well there you have it.