I logged in to this old site for the first time in quite a while. After blowing the most recent layer of dust off this place, I instinctively checked the Users screen to see if anyone had hacked themselves a back door… they had. Glad I remembered how to at least do that much around here. I deleted it and all content that may or may not have existed from that account. Don’t care. As I traced lines in the remaining dust diminishing the glow of the old screen, I saw the update button. A mechanical, skittering sound from a dark corner distracted me for a moment, but apparently WordPress hasn’t been auto-updating for a while – that explains the hacked user account. Or maybe its the thing lurking in here with me.
After I hit the update, I purposefully ignore the warning about backing up the database in the potential cataclysmic upgrade failure. Why? I look at my last post listed on the dashboard: April 2012. Seriously? 2012. I remember thinking to myself a few months ago about this site and thought, It hasn’t been that long… maybe a year or so. But no, 2012. The year the world was thought to end because people don’t know how to read an ancient Mayan calendar… and who can blame them? Fear sells. Its a fact.
So the site updates to the newest version quickly and painlessly while I silently muse to myself about all of this. Good old WordPress. Way better than the old cybrblog system that I programmed so many years ago in the heyday of blogging. Back then this was all new and exciting. Now the internet is littered with dusty websites chronicling forgotten meals and distant memories that tick on without a care… if they’re lucky. More often, the old links to sites and blogs of a decade or two past end at a 404 or a parked ad page. Gone are those meals and memories for many who used to dwell in these circles. Gone forever. 2012.
And with a flourish, I remembered that I didn’t have to keep these musings to myself. I’m in the presence of an ancient technology that can still help me share my thoughts without the limitations of Friends or Likes; Without the limitations of viewers. The gears fell away and a clockwork rodent scurried away as I grabbed the strangely wired keyboard and enveloped the air around me in dust. I lowered my goggles to protect my stinging eyes and my keys flew across the keyboard as they are now… typing… typing. Putting my thoughts to virtual paper with no concept of readership. The dust is now settling, my stomach rumbles to remind me it is time for lunch rations. I end this post and I will leave this time capsule once more for a snack… perchance a meal. Perhaps I will return and reclaim my legacy.
Kira started daycare a few weeks ago. She’s two and a half years old now. Time flies by so quickly. Well… until she brought home the plague.
It was bound to happen of course. I’d been home for pretty much eight months straight while out of work and then starting a work from home job so I wasn’t bringing home other people’s germs anymore. Kira rarely got to play with other kids (which is the main reason for putting her into daycare) so she was hardly ever exposed to anything. So yeah… two days of daycare later and we were all sick.
We got over it; we got better. A week or so passed and sure enough – sick again. I seemed to get hit with the worst of it first and was miserable. Constant drainage which led to a sever sore throat after a few days. The weird thing was that it was only really bad at night. I don’t mean when I laid down to sleep… no, I mean at around sunset. Soon after Kira started showing signs and we both got on antibiotics which helped me immensely and Kira is recovering still. Michelle was spare for the most part… for a few days.
Now Michelle has it worse than any of us had it. I think it was the plague just waiting for her to utter the words “I guess I got lucky” because a day later she was miserable. That on top of everything else and she has been miserable. Now I’m just hoping that it doesn’t mutate and infect me again. Ugh….
Well, enough of the depressing posts for the time being. Time to change the subject.
As some of you may know and many others don’t, I was laid off from my previous job back in June of 2010. I was out of work for the longest span I have ever experienced and it was tough. Our savings took a royal beating and it is going to take a while to recover. We skipped birthdays and Christmas for the most part.
Yeah I know I said no more depressing posts for now and I meant it. Oddly enough I wouldn’t trade that time off for the world. I have gotten to know my daughter so much better than I ever had time for before. We’ve bonded over that time at home and it has been wonderful. Sure things were rough and even a little scary now and then but that was minor compared to getting to see my baby girl learning and growing and transforming like my wife has had the privilege to experience since her birth.
Being a stay at home parent is hard. I knew that before and this time has only confirmed it. But it has its own rewards. Its own compensation. But still… I’m glad I’m now back to work.
I started a new job a few weeks ago before the end of the year. That was supposed to be the start of a happy 2011 but you know how that has turned out so far. But this new job is good. I like what I’m doing and the compensation is good. Plus its for a non-profit who is making a difference every day for people who need it. What else could I ask for? Well how about working from home? Yeah, I got that too. It’s freaking sweet.
I haven’t been to a funeral in years. I guess I’m lucky. Well, at least in that it’s been a while. I’ve been to quite a few funerals in my life with most of them being before the end of my high school days. People that I now barely remember in blurry memories, forgotten pictures and a whiff of smell now and then. People that I wish I could talk to once more. Learn from them. Share with them. Tell them how much they meant to me. But that is the nature of loss, remorse and regret. And the forgetting? That is the nature of humans.
Tonight I attended the funeral of one of my father-in-laws. Well not necessarily a funeral. More of a memorial. There was no service planned. He had been cremated so the only reminder of him was the hundreds of pictures throughout the room and the innocuous green marble container with his name written on it. I know people were planning on getting up and telling stories or just telling others how they felt. My wife among them. I didn’t get to stay to hear those speeches because I had to take Kira back home. It was getting close to bed time and she was starting to fade into crabby-land. It was expected – no regrets.
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This is not the way to start a new year – or the way for the previous one to end. 2010 was a horrible year and we were only too happy to see its end on the horizon. Unfortunately it went clawing tooth and nail like a wildcat slipping into a well and made certain one remaining casualty would haunt the first day of what should have been a happy new year.
There was no countdown, no champagne, no celebration. Only the sadness of family so emotionally and physically exhausted too confused by the state of family stricken down in an instant. There were no party hats, no music, no resolutions. Only anger at the injustice of it all and the unfairness of losing someone who deserved to live more than just 46 years.
But to the year of 2010 I say piss off – you will never be missed. Yes, you spoiled these first days/weeks/months of our new beginning in 2011 but no matter how hard things are now we will carry on. Prayers fail, begging fails, pleading fails and we know that life is just life and that we are on our own. How we handle things now, then and forever are ours to own and no one else’s to lay blame.
Life is short. Be good to one another and to yourself. And hope that those around you do the same. We’re all each other have.