Homesick

I got homesick on the ferry to work this morning.  Not seasick like one would expect but homesick.  I miss my family and friends but I rarely have the time or inclination to get actually homesick.  But not this morning.  I think it all started with a chimichanga….

Last night we went to a Mexican restaurant called Caramba because they have a 2 for 1 deal on dinners on Mondays.  It’s their “Super Monday” deal.  We always get the same thing.  Muse gets enchiladas and I get a chimichanga.  At some point  during the meal a song came on themusic system.  It was a Latin/Mexican variant of Coldplay’s song ‘Clocks’ and it gets to my favorite part of:  “Home, home, where I wanted to go,” repeated over an over.  I was softly singing that chorus to myself on the bus back to our flat later that night.  I found myself thinking about that song again this morning on the ferry.

And I felt like crying.

Things have been extremely stressful at work.  Things have been kind of crazy at home.  Planning for our trip home and having to change those plans because of work has strained both of us.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I miss Wal-Mart.  I miss driving.  There’s a lot of things I miss.  I’m waiting for answers on re-negotiating my contract and I’ve told Muse that if they don’t come through for me this time then we are probably going to move back.  And as nice as that may sound sometimes, that of course has it’s own set of disappointments and sorrows.  So it’s a no-win situation really.

I don’t actually feel the need to go running home yet.  I’d like to spend a few more years here making a name for myself and seeing if I can make any sort of decent career with my company.  My getting homesick and emotional doesn’t change that.  It’s just the actual emotion that is hard for me to deal with and write about.  I had to fight back the tears in my eyes again as I typed this up.  That’s not like me; or at least I like to think it’s not.  I see myself as the emotionally strong one that everyone else comes to for support.  It’s hard for me to reverse that and play the opposite role.  So I choke down the homesickness along with everything else and I deal with it in my own way.  Maybe by sharing this feeling in this way, however impersonal it may be, will help me deal with the feelings I have right now.  Though that’s optimistic, I know that only hugging my parents and my friends will do that for me.  If all goes as planned I will be in St. Louis on the night of December 22nd.  And then I can test that theory.  Until then, I have some tears to fight back.

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5 Responses to “Homesick”

  1. rev_matt_y says:

    We miss you too. Even while on the great adventure, it’s entirely normal to feel some sense of longing for those waiting back home.

  2. Jason says:

    I’ve always wanted to go off and work and live in a far-away land. But I often wondered if I’d get homesick. As much as I think I won’t, I probably would. I think it’s a natural psychological response to feel the homesickness. The holiday season only intensifies it. But at least you’re not alone. Afterall, you have your Muse.

  3. yoshi says:

    No walmart? wow, they even have walmart in japan. granted, it’s called Seiyu, but it’s still a walmart company with the cutback logos and stuff. I’m surprised they dont’ have one in HK.

    you’re ok man. I know how you feel, i’ve been homesick everytime i moved, and i’ve moved many many times. you’re lucky that muse is there, without her, it would be tougher. You just have to make the best of it. you think of all the things you can do, and not what you can’t do.

    I’d love to be living in HK…although not sure meesh would.

  4. rev_matt_y says:

    There are Wal-Marts on mainland, but I didn’t see anything there that isn’t at Carrefoure at a better price.

  5. Well, you may recall that Wal-mart is really really extra dangerous this time of year. All I wanted was cat food and that lady and her cart mowed me down hard enough that I still have bruises!

    Also, if you go to the bathroom and bawl your eyes out then you won’t have to hold it back any more or have any embarassing public breakdowns. But… i am a girl. :o)

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